Oh, my.

Yes. I feel like a huge failure. And I know I should just think about not to demand this much of myself...but still. I cannot remember a time in my life when I have felt like I am not able to do anything right. No excuses, I suck.

It was overwhelming. I was grilled much more than other students. I did not pass the course. I have to do one day more. My stress reaction kicked in big time, paralyzed when I had to do something, and apparently, when I did react, it was always something wrong. I try to remember what Sari wrote me about her Dive Master course. That she was almost tortured, but she survived it. And I, I keep thinking about my first days when I was learning to be a lighting technician...my help then was to have a very supportive teacher. I should stop comparing myself with other to this extend.

It does not help if I am painfully honest about stuff. Well, on the other hand it does help because I can talk about my problems and there has been a lot of help offered. I have also allies; Swedish Linda and American Helen are just adorable. With Linda we discussed a lot about atmospheres in here (weid for a new comer) and about the whole Scandinavian behavior. It seems that in general we ARE slower to to react and act on things. In Finland the way is almost to neglect when something is happening, maybe as a survival mechanism. Then again, facing fears should be a moment of self growth. Also, all my readers who have met me while travelling cannot say that I was lacking care for people or that I was unfriendly...but apparently these skills I failed to show on my course. Weird isn´t it?

All in all the last 2 days of the course was fun (except the fact that I burned myself badly of course, and decided to take this day off to cure my skin, think stuff over and take my day 4 of Rescue Diver tomorrow). We played scenarios in real time. The moment we four students stepped out of the boat in Mabul, there were about 10 victims already in the water and we needed to rush to rescue them. At first, like I normally do, I just stood there thinking "are you kidding me"! The second scenario was in water on a "fun dive". Ash, Ben and Big-Ben shot down in a second and started acting like fools, and fools that were totally drunk. They stole each others fins, took their weight belts off, started opening our tank belts so our tanks were not secured anymore and then took of all in different directions. Big-Ben even tried to put a stone fish in his pocket and other Ben assisted himself out of his BCD took the octopus in his mouth and rode on his tank as if it was a horse.

After lunch we had zero time to get to water and save both of the 2 Bens who had been seen on the right side of the Jetty but now were missing. A drowning victim will get a brain damage in 10 minutes, we had to find them in that timeline. The last dive was also a fun dive and the DMT´s and Ash were only mentioned to play around for a few minutes, but decided that it was cool to play along a bit longer..and it was 30 min. During that time and a bit after we saw five huge turtles from close,a ghost pipe fish and one fish that Ben claimed to be a star gazer.

The other Dive Master Trainees had completed their course and they had a "final snorkel test" last night. A bucket of booze through a snorkel until they puke. Not really my idea of having fun though, but the others were having hilarious time.

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